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Keep it clean.

 

We were watching Judge Judy last night and a woman apparently had enough of her musician roommate and started beating him with his guitar collection. The judge asked, "First offender?" and she said, "No, first a Gibson then a Fender."

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Back when we were developing the Viper and working on sealing water leaks in the trunk and soft top, someone brought up a story of how MB tests their trunks for sealing. "If you throw a cat in th

Keep it clean.   We were watching Judge Judy last night and a woman apparently had enough of her musician roommate and started beating him with his guitar collection. The judge asked, "First

I have a joke for you: The government in Illinois is excellent, and uses my tax dollars efficiently. 

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It was a busy day yesterday but hey, I'm still a day ahead!

 

A man carrying a calculator, a slide rule, and a compass was detained at the airport today for possessing instruments of math instruction.

 

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

One; she just holds on and the world revolves around her.

 

How does a soprano sing a scale?

Do, re, me, me, me, me, me, meeeeeeeeee!

 

How do you know when a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key and they don't know where to come in.

 

How do you get a musician off your doorstep?

Pay him for the pizza.

 

What's the difference between a large pizza and a musician?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

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And a long one to commemorate the Daytona 500:

 

A cop pulls a car over for speeding.

Cop: “Sir, do you know you were doing 110 mph in a 70 zone?”

Driver: “Yes! I’m sorry, but that’s because I was racing another car and lost track of the speed.”

Since he did not see any other cars around, the cop asks – “Sir, have you been drinking?”

Driver: “A little bit of whisky, but just because I needed something to take with the LSD I took at a party!”

Cop: “LSD? Sir, I need you to step out of the car! Is there anything else I need to know? Drugs, firearms?”

Driver: “Sure! There is at least 5 pounds of cocaine in my glove department and an AK-47 under my seat! But please, don’t open the trunk, or the person I just kidnapped will escape!”

The cop, not believing what he heard and a little afraid, called his superior.

 

At his arrival, the cop told the sheriff all that. The sheriff told him to wait by his car and goes to speak with the driver:

Sheriff: “Sir, my subordinate told me you have a kidnapped person in your trunk!”

Driver opens the trunk: “As you can see, there’s no one here, but my jack and spare tire”

Sheriff: “What about the AK under your seat?”

Driver pulling his seat forward: “There’s no such thing here, just an umbrella!!”

Sheriff: “I see! And the cocaine in your glove compartment”

Driver opens the glove compartment: “You must be kidding me! Only my registration’s there!”

Sheriff: “Have you been drinking or engaging in any kind of drugs?”

Driver: “Sir, I don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t even drink soda! I’ve been in my home all night with my mom and she's the most fervently religious woman you ever knew! That cop over there must be messing with you! He told you I was drunk, took drugs, was armed and a drug dealer, and had kidnapped someone? What else? That I was speeding too?”

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I was walking down the street today when a tow truck driver pulled up alongside me and said, “Excuse me, I’m looking for the accident site involving a van carrying a load of cutlery.”

 

“No problem,” I said. “Go straight down this road for 1 mile, then take the first left, and when you get to the fork in the road you’re there.”

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