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Keep it clean.

 

We were watching Judge Judy last night and a woman apparently had enough of her musician roommate and started beating him with his guitar collection. The judge asked, "First offender?" and she said, "No, first a Gibson then a Fender."

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I've been banned from the Home Depot by my house. I'm in there one day, and one of those guys in an orange apron says "you need decking?"

Luckily I got the first punch in.

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My wife wanted to go on an all-almond diet but I told her that was just nuts.

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3 hours ago, mickindy14 said:

I don't trust atoms they makeup everything  

And I don't like stairs; they're always up to something.

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My wife asked me to clear the table today. I had to take a run at it but I did it.

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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

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Studies show that women who put on a little weight tend to live longer than men who comment on it.

Edited by mender
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2 today, because you missed yesterday?

Many years ago my daughter came home from 1st grade class with this one:

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A: A gummy bear.

(Hey you said keep it clean.)

Edited by mcoppola
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It was a busy day yesterday but hey, I'm still a day ahead!

 

A man carrying a calculator, a slide rule, and a compass was detained at the airport today for possessing instruments of math instruction.

 

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

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Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a little while. Push him out of the plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

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I text my kids jokes and puns pretty often. It started out fairly juvenile but lately the puns have been getting better now that they're full groan.

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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

One; she just holds on and the world revolves around her.

 

How does a soprano sing a scale?

Do, re, me, me, me, me, me, meeeeeeeeee!

 

How do you know when a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key and they don't know where to come in.

 

How do you get a musician off your doorstep?

Pay him for the pizza.

 

What's the difference between a large pizza and a musician?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Edited by mender
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My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the canal.

 

I did it but It broke my heart. I quite liked her dad.

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And a long one to commemorate the Daytona 500:

 

A cop pulls a car over for speeding.

Cop: “Sir, do you know you were doing 110 mph in a 70 zone?”

Driver: “Yes! I’m sorry, but that’s because I was racing another car and lost track of the speed.”

Since he did not see any other cars around, the cop asks – “Sir, have you been drinking?”

Driver: “A little bit of whisky, but just because I needed something to take with the LSD I took at a party!”

Cop: “LSD? Sir, I need you to step out of the car! Is there anything else I need to know? Drugs, firearms?”

Driver: “Sure! There is at least 5 pounds of cocaine in my glove department and an AK-47 under my seat! But please, don’t open the trunk, or the person I just kidnapped will escape!”

The cop, not believing what he heard and a little afraid, called his superior.

 

At his arrival, the cop told the sheriff all that. The sheriff told him to wait by his car and goes to speak with the driver:

Sheriff: “Sir, my subordinate told me you have a kidnapped person in your trunk!”

Driver opens the trunk: “As you can see, there’s no one here, but my jack and spare tire”

Sheriff: “What about the AK under your seat?”

Driver pulling his seat forward: “There’s no such thing here, just an umbrella!!”

Sheriff: “I see! And the cocaine in your glove compartment”

Driver opens the glove compartment: “You must be kidding me! Only my registration’s there!”

Sheriff: “Have you been drinking or engaging in any kind of drugs?”

Driver: “Sir, I don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t even drink soda! I’ve been in my home all night with my mom and she's the most fervently religious woman you ever knew! That cop over there must be messing with you! He told you I was drunk, took drugs, was armed and a drug dealer, and had kidnapped someone? What else? That I was speeding too?”

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