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This is only for the Norwegians, the rest of you are not allowed to read this!

 

Ole was stopped by a game warden in Northern Wisconsin recently leaving a lake well known for its Walleyes. He had two buckets of fish.
As it was during the spawning season, the game warden asked, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
Ole replied, "No, sir! Dese here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Ya sure, you betcha." answered Ole. "Every night I take dese fish here down to da lake and let dem svim around for a while. Den I vhistle and dey yump back into der buckets and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey. Fish can't do that." Said the game warden.
Ole looked at the game warden with an expression of great hurt, and then said, "Yumpin Yimminy! Vell den, I'll just show you den. It really does vork, don'tcha know?"
"O.K. I've got to see this!" The game warden was really curious now.
So Ole poured the fish into the lake and stood waiting. After several minutes, the game warden turned to Ole and said, "Well?"
"Vell what?" responded Ole.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?" asked Ole.
"The fish!"
"What fish?"

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An old blind packers fan wanders into vikings-fan sports bar by mistake. He finds his way to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, do you wanna hear a viking fan joke?"
 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair that you should know five things since you're blind."

1. The bartender is a vikings fan with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a vikings fan with a Billy-Club
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 275-pound vikings fan with a black belt in karate.
4. The man to your right is a vikings fan who is a professional wrestler.
5. The person to my right is a vikings fan who happens to be a champion weight lifter.

"Now think seriously, sir... Do you still want to tell that vikings fan joke?"

The packers fan sits and thinks for a second, then shakes his head.

"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times..."

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^^^What's funny is I work with a Norwegian guy named Ole, an avid fisherman who wears a jacket that has an outline of our state with the word Fishigan on it. I'll have to share this one with him. 😂

Edited by mcoppola
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Growing up in North Dakota, Ole and Lena jokes were really common because of all the German and Norwegian ancestry. That an the Vikings/Packers joke are making me feel at home.

 

 

Ole was in need of a new bull for his cows, so he grabbed the local paper and started looking through the classified ads. Pretty soon he came across an ad for a nice Hereford bull for $4999, and the same man was selling a stock trailer for $1000! The only problem was that Ole was a little short on money and only had $5000. He thought maybe he could negotiate the amount down for a package deal.

 

Ole yelled to his wife, Lena, "Yeahh Lena, Sven and I are going to run into town to buy a bull and trailer, but if I can't get both, den I'll need you to come and get us with da old trailer. I'll send you a telegram and letchu know how it goes."

 

So Ole picks up Sven and they head into town to meet the farmer with his bull and trailer. The old farmer was a tough negotiator, and Ole couldn't get him to drop the prices at all. So he bought the bull and headed to the telegram office to send for Lena.

 

Ole asked the telegram operator, "Hey dere, I need to send my vife a telegram to let her know ve need to be picked up, but I've only got a dollar left in my pocket. Is dat enough?"

 

The operator replied, "It's enough to send one, but we charge a dollar a word, so it has to be pretty short."

 

Ole agreed, and then sat in silence for a few minutes thinking what word he could send. Finally, he came up with his solution.

 

"Okay, I vant you to send her da word 'comfortable.'"

 

"Comfortable? Are you sure she's going to know what you need her to do?"

 

"Oh yeah. She'll know. She reads real slow."

 

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One more:

 

 

A couple months after buying his new bull, the darn thing went cross-eyed and was having a hard time seeing the cows. So, Ole called up the vet and had him come out to the ranch. The vet took one look at the bull and knew what to do. He went back to his pickup and grabbed a piece of hose.

 

"Okay Ole, I'm going to put this hose up the bull's rear, and when I blow into it, his eyes will straighten. I need you to go up front and tell me when they're straight so we don't go too far."

 

This sounded pretty weird to Ole, but sure enough the vet gave a mighty blow and it worked. He paid the vet and all was good. A couple months later, the bull went cross-eyed again. The bill last time was pretty high for something so simple, so Ole decided to call up Sven and do it himself.

 

"Okay Sven. I'm going to do just vhat the vet did. I'll put this hose up da bull's rear, and vhen I blow his eyes will go straight. Go up front and watch so I know when to stop."

 

So Sven went up front to watch, but no matter how hard Ole tried, he just couldn't blow hard enough to get the bull's eyes completely straight.

 

"Vell Sven, I just can't seem to do it. Vhy don't we switch spots and see if that vorks better."

 

So they swap spots, but before Sven goes to blow, he takes the hose and flips it around.

 

"Sven, vhat da hell are you doin?", asked Ole.

 

Sven replied, "Vell jeez Ole, you can't expect me to blow on that end after you just had it in your mouth!"

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I didn't realize that the Secret Service had to tailor their training for each president to make sure they got the response they expected in emergency situations. With the last president they had to avoid yelling, "Get down!"; with this one they can't yell, "Donald, duck!"

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A man comes home from a long day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television and turns on the game. Without hesitation he tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He quickly finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.” The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore …”

The man sighs and says, “It started …”

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My wife and I went downtown to see if we could find that fancy restaurant that we went to a long time ago. We found what we thought was the right one and went in for dinner. I commented that it felt very familiar.

 

She said, " Are you having deja vu?"

I said, "No, steak sandwich."

Edited by mender
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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of  the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

 

 Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy". Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

 Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
 

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
"Shoite, Shoite!"

 

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.  

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

 

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin'way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "Fock it" and crawls into bed.

 

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
 

 

"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

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